A new year

A new year

Alright this is so exciting. I’m sure hardly anyone looks on here so I’m going to take advantage of that and just talk. Currently I am writing a book and although most days I feel like I’ve hardly written or gotten anywhere I’m getting close to being done. I love writing it’s something I want to do for the rest of my life. I don’t really care for fame but I want people to fall in love with my characters and to enjoy my stories as much as I do. Unfortunately being a novice writer just starting out means I’m not making any money. And due to an dumb car accident I haven’t been able to get a new job since I left my crap-tastic summer job. No one is going to hire someone coming in with a possible six weeks off for surgery and recovery. Although I did go to the doctor last week and he said everything is healing properly and I’m on the right track. So the chances of needing surgery are now down to 0.1%. So I’m going to get a new job and keep writing…

I say that and it makes me feel sad. I’m already doing what I love and want to do; writing is my job. I’m just not making any money yet. I keep saying I’m going to finish this book and then look for a job while I work on getting my book published, but I feel like I’m being torn apart between not having money now and the possibility of being paid for doing what I love later. I feel like it is such a risk. And I’ve talked to so many people who seem to scoff at me like I’m wasting my time. But I know I’m not.

Gosh I’ve begun talking…normally I’m pretty content to sit back and listen to other people talk and gab, but when I get going I have trouble stopping.

So lately my Mom has been worrying about me, and my friends are trying to push me to date more. I’m single and in my twenties. I spend 10% of my thoughts and emotions every week to every month worrying, stressing, and thinking about stuff like this:
I’m single
I’ve never been kissed
I don’t have anyone I’m interested in
There isn’t anyone interested in me
Are there still decent Men out there?
I don’t even know where to go to meet people my age
The singles ward is my enemy (I hate the singles ward)
I want to be married and have kids
This isn’t where I saw my life going
I live at home
I don’t have a paying job
What if I don’t get married until after I’m thirty
I’ve gained weight–I feel fat
My acne is freaking out
I don’t feel beautiful
What do guys think about me (am I unattractive, unappealing, do I frighten them?)

But thankfully the remaining 90% is used more like this:
So? I’m single and life is still absolutely amazing and I love it!
I’m saving my lips for someone I want to kiss
I know what I don’t like and have a general idea of what I want
I’m fine not having someone chasing after me.
I am single. I can and will enjoy this time, it’s only going to happen this once (Hopefully only this once)
Both Men and Women are stupid, stupid creatures. It’s a promise that no matter how much either of us learn we will still undoubtedly make yet another mistake.
I want to drink hot chocolate and watch Adventure Time
I love the home ward, I teach primary to God’s little angels. I’m learning how to be patient and kind and understanding…Mommy skills. And I absolutely love my primary kids.
I get a chance to spend more time with my family and get to know my younger siblings better.
I’m doing something I love, and even if things don’t turn out the way I imagine at least I tried…haha and even then I won’t be able to surrender.
I love my body, and I think I am beautiful
I’m intimidating, but I’m okay with that. I will never back down. Take crap from others, or wait around for people to like me.

That got out of hand pretty fast.
I feel like people see me one of three ways.
The first being scary and intimidating. I’ve been avoided and even told by guys they felt like I could beat them up. I’m not sure why…I don’t say or do threatening things.

(kaichou wa maid-sama)

The second being cute and innocent…and naïve. Although I may be innocent I am not naïve. I just don’t find dirty jokes funny.
I’m friendly and I like to give people a chance before I decide what I think of them.

(Kim Possible)

Or invisible. I cannot tell you how many times people have forgotten me, my name, and that we have already met. Once I was in a ward for a year and at the beginning of my second year they asked if I was new…I also have had multiple teachers call me the wrong name the entire year regardless of me reminding them.

(The Incredibles)

I feel like I’m babbling but it feels good to write all this down and just get it out. I’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot lately (More than my usual 10%) and its been driving me bonkers.

Ever notice how on the internet people are ridiculously cruel but in person they apologize for even bumping into you? It’s like maturity and humanity are lost when we are typing on the internet. I find myself reading comments on youtube and facebook and just shaking my head. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was to see people stalking complete strangers just so they could rip into them and bash them.

People are so weird.

Well I think I’m going to be done babbling…it’s a lot later than I thought. So good night!

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